There’s a single truth about relationships which is that humans need other humans, to thrive. But relationships can also cause us many problems. These days 28% of the adult population live alone. We are witnessing competition for space, hearing about insufficient resources and our sense might be that even though there are more people than ever in existence that we could encounter, at the same time there’s never been more loneliness reported.
The pandemic and lockdown has brought loneliness to the fore for many who might normally be able to get by through contact with others in their normal day to day informal interactions.
Conversely, it has put pressure on even the relationships that we usually enjoy, simply through the intensity of people being forced to spend more time together, and having little or no opportunity to have the usual breaks from our ‘nearest and dearest’ that we would usually benefit from as we go about our daily business.
Relationships don’t have to be the ‘significant other’ kind to be subject to a healthy re-examination; we have relationships with all manner of people beyond our loved ones; family, friends, neighbours, service providers, colleagues etc.
It’s worth thinking about our relationships and reflecting on what we can do to keep them working well for us and preventing them from becoming disjointed and misaligned – whereupon they may lead to situations of us feeling hurt, isolated and lonely. What might we do to nurture and invest in the relationships we enjoy, and plan to stay in?
Firstly, a look at some different ‘types’ of relationship connections. Dr J.W. Freiberg*, studies chronic loneliness and has loosely categorised ‘unfulfilling’ relationships into 5 classifications. These themes were arrived at through his work as a social psychologist turned lawyer, arising from the cases he was involved with through his work – i.e. his clients’ lived experience. They are anecdotal categories and not scientific.
1. Tenuous connections – are where there is a lack of consistency or constancy of the basis of the relationship – leading to one or more of the parties in the relationship feeling a lack of confidence or unfulfilled through its impermanence. For example, people who move around for work and establish new connections wherever they settle. This ‘moving of the deck-chairs’ can be unsettling and cause distress especially where the party who has been left behind feels abandoned.
2. One way connections – where one of the parties considers that there is a relationship in place, but the other party either doesn’t know, or hasn’t acknowledged it. An example of such a relationship may be a fantasy of an office worker, who reads more into the attention they receive from a boss through their ‘normal office interactions’. Another example could be unrequited love.
3. Fraudulent connections – where there is (often) a duplicitous element to the relationship and the parties are in it for very different reasons from those stated – maybe even deliberately faking it, usually for some personal gain. For example, a player might seduce someone to access their wealth, for security of tenure, to gain access to services or even simply to be seen as popular – becoming associated with someone for the purpose of tagging on with the ‘in-crowd’. Another example is where gaslighting is happening; the relationship is not one of power balance and/or transparency – one of the parties is heading for a fall, even if they don’t yet know it.
4. Obstructed connections – where there’s too much other activity going on in a person’s life for them to engage sufficiently in the relationship. The other party feels the lack of investment, interest or contact that they need, and experience a feeling of having been neglected. Busy working people can often fall into this category, as they’re forever “just finishing this work thing first”, and not making enough ‘special’ time for others in their life.
5. Dangerous connections – where you might find yourself going along with something that is maybe illegal or risky – certainly against your better judgement – but either you feel powerless to object, or you’re prepared to take the risk as you want the relationship to continue, whatever the cost. This might be for the best of intentions, as you may want to help a friend in need, or it could be more sinister and abusive, as sometimes fear keeps people in a relationship and they just can’t see a way out.
Clearly, the above scenarios represent situations in which doing nothing could lead to personal distress or discomfort, yet in most of the cases there were probably some ‘red flags’ that were ignored, because they were difficult to admit to, and address.
Think about your own relationships; do the people in your life represent ‘radiators’ (warm and soothing leaving you feeling supported and positive) or ‘drains’ (flushing away your energy and leaving you feeling depleted)? Do you ever review and (psychologically) update your relationships? Do you invest in your relationships? We take out a service contract for the car, central heating boiler and washing machine – but how often do we put the effort in to review our relationships?
It can be hard to take steps to ‘ditch the drains’ and on your own, make the changes in your life necessary to invest only in positive things that add value. Many people turn to specialists e.g. therapists or coaches – to access support to work through how to build their confidence to rid themselves of toxic relationships.
In these days of social media, ‘faux friends’, FOMO (fear of missing out) and high expectations to succeed, it’s not impossible to find yourself ‘lonely in a crowd’.
Make an audit of your relationships, invest in your ‘radiators’ and take steps to move away from the ‘drains’. Get help if you need to, it will be an investment worth making.
*JW Freiburg is the author of Surrounded By Others and Yet So Alone: A Lawyer’s Case Stories of Love, Loneliness and Litigation (2020)
Susan Arslan MSc FCIPD Networking and being an advocate for the events industry whilst deploying her talents as Coach, Psychotherapist and Director of humanistic consultancy provider en:able potential, Susan is passionate about delivering bespoke solutions through assignments and speaking engagements.
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